The Truth About Chuck Norris

Ian Spector was an undergraduate student at Brown University and noticed an Internet forum that mocked Vin Diesel’s role in the Pacifier. Spector linked to the site and launched his own www.4Q.cc/vin and created a ‘random quote generator’ where visitors logged on and offered ridiculous made up quotes on the subject/victim. Stay with me here.

Spector placed a poll on his site asking who the next quote generator should be about and the response was “Chuck Norris”. The site went live in mid 2005 and by early 2006 was getting 20,000,000 page views per month. It gets better.

The young computer geek was approached and pursuaded to publish a book and voila, I pick up “The Truth About Chuck Norris” at the Indiana University Bookstore, read it and start laughing so loudly that my daughter is embarrased; (a father’s sacred resposnsibility). I read the passages out loud and my wife looks at me puzzled.

Off campus at the Urban Outfitters store, stacks of the book are on display and the trendy heavily tatooed staff tell me it is the biggest selling of the specialty books in their store.

Here are some of the excerpts from the book:

“Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples.”

“Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.”

“Chuck Norris’s poop is used as currency in Argentina.”

“Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.”

“At Chuck Norris’s bachelor party, he ate the entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.”

“Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik’s Cube and poop it out solved.”

“The only reason World War II occured was because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.”

“The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.”

“Chuck Norris can speak Braille.”

and this is my last example,

“Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom Full House. He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.”

I feel so educated when I hang around a college campus.

Israel in One Word

A CNN reporter in Israel was interviewing an Israeli veteran of the 1967 War and the 1973 Yom Kippur War who was now a scholar and a distinguished member of the Knesset. Attempting a different approach the interviewer asked the wise statesman, “If you could use just one word to describe Israel what would it be?”

Irritated the elder statesman replied, “How foolish can you be? How can anyone describe the fulfillment of a 2000 year old dream in only one word? How can you surmise the suffering, the depth, the commitment to God in only one word? How can you assemble Jews from all over the world into this land of miracles and find one word to describe such a feat of history and human potential?”

Stubbornly the reporter persisted, “I know this is challenging, but if you could, what word would you choose?”

Impatiently the statesman replied simply, “Good.”

Somewhat dissappointed and perplexed, the reporter asked, “What if you could use two words?”

He paused and replied, “Not good.”

Tips to Bruce Tuchman

Hemlock Could Be Terminal

My dad just spent a week at the Medical Center in Macon, GA. He is doing fine.

The Medical Center’s Main Entrance is located on Hemlock Street. The pharmacy in the building bears the last name of the owner; David Graves. (Graves Pharmacy).

I am told that they changed the street name because past 3rd street it is Oak Street and 50 years ago that was a center for prostituion and they did not want the hospital associated with that area. That is interesting but was Hemlock the only alternative?

Just seems odd. I am glad Terminal Avenue is several blocks away.

The Agnostic Nutcrackers

My daughter plays bass, guitar, piano, and french horn. She has formed a band that will play a few local gigs before school starts. We could not resist the temptation to annoy her with some potential band names.

Loose Truth, The Floors, Banzai Burgers, The Motherboards, Gastro Vibes, Suppose We Did, Foremost, Warmal Globing, White Jemima, Dakota South, and The Agnostic Nutcrackers (I really like that one) were the best of my selection. Whitney Ott added Two Hit Wonder, Not Yoko, The Tremors, and The Bypass. My wife who shares my sense of humor added some suggestions that are just too innapropriate for this blog, but when we had a band years ago she pushed for the name Black Market Babies.
Since the Rabbi played in the band we did not use it. We became the Red Sea Pedestrians.

Sheryl Crow’s Bathroom

tip to http://mobyrebuttal.blogspot.com/ – Blond Sagacity- one of my favorite bloggers.